seabluedreaming

Photography, Art, Writing, Poetry

Category: Poems & Writings

WAR

One misty morning in October, the lost son returned home.

Father and husband, lover and friend – reunited.

They buried him the day after in the churchyard.

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I Dream in Red and Cry in Blue

I dream in red and cry in blue

At night

When the sky throws all its darkness over the land

When I escape to the elysian fields of childhood

When I escape into the landscapes of dreams

I dream in red and cry in blue

Before I wake up in solitary coldness

I always had too much memory

stilllookingtwo.jpg~originalI can describe in detail places, the weather, the mood of 20 years ago. My friends are surprised, they who can hardly even remember the very special events in their lives. Details ivade me, I go over it all. My friends slowly tire of all my regrets; I am not good company. Especially because for some time, the shadow that follows me is not mine. It is much smaller and lighter and sometimes I can hear it whispering, laughing, telling me stories or even whine a bit when I move too fast and it is tired. I really believe that I regognize this shadow. I talk whith it and only it pleases me. I get the feeling the world is slowly moving away and soon it will only be my shadow friend and me. There will come a day when I will no longer be able to stand, we think that day will never come but it is not always because of old age. Far away from the pack, my words will glide over the smooth bodies of others, we will no longer understand each other and I will already be long gone. In the crowd which I never liked, I will feel even less apt at elbowing out a place for myself. I’ll slide down the slope. In the wind, under the tree, it is ashes that will flow over my hands. The screen of the world will show films in an unknown dialect, the images will be unfamiliar to me and emotionally empty. No tears in my eyes which no longer want to see neither beauty nor ugliness, neither the insipid nor tragedy, nothing will ever resemble what I loved because I love no more.

Waiting for someone to reach my hand

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I can’t sit and stare into the dark

like you

I carry fire in my chest

it chases me

up and down and up again

I move tireless through empty rooms

day and night

my throat is strangled

I can’t breathe

I can’t even cry

everything

is like stone

in a world

in which “I am” no more

waiting for you

Imagination

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Through the hole

At the bottom of the cavern

The imagination

Escapes intact

I Endure

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I endure the darkness of winter and the east winds and the snow. I endure being a prisoner of time. I endure getting up for work before dawn. I endure crowded streets and trains. I endure working in a job that I don’t like. I endure being tired every day. I endure processed food. I endure coming home late – tired. I endure pain. I endure time. I endure and endure for all this means nothing to me. The past was yesterday. I see the end and know there is no escape. There is nothing in my heart. There is nothing in my head. I endure. That’s how I live. That’s how I suffer – patiently.
I endure that happiness will not last. I endure that there is no escape from suffering. I endure ignorance and a world that’s stripped of its brilliance – left with little substance. I endure a world ruled by greed and these words of creed. I endure the wolf in sheep’s clothing – preaching and stopping souls from searching. I endure a world of madness that leaves a trail of sadness. There is a war going on in my head; the world has gone mad. I endure mass manipulation. I endure the worship of idols on an endless intrusive filmstrip. There is nothing in my eyes; for all this means nothing to me. I endure illusions bringing confusion. I endure meaningless action for the purpose of distraction. I endure man’s corruption and freedom’s dysfunction. I endure aggression and oppression. I endure equality in uniforms – boxed in. I endure love that never last and a painful past. I endure and endure and that’s how they labeled me insane. How I can love, I do not ask. All dreams I ever had gone burst too fast. I once was blind, but now I see us all dance to the sounds of war like never before.
Empty eyes in the mirror tell me that I can’t allow myself to feel happiness. My hands reached out for no good, I am unable to relieve myself from this position.

It’s so hard to be strong

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We are not living better. We only die slower. Death is on our side while we count the empty hours. We waste away. We always will be foreign to ourselves; shivering before the abyss alone. Sometimes the rain from above the silent sky reaches out and falls within, and the echoes of the past cross the winding paths of doom and whisper of wisdom and virtue. Outside the past, created poverty and accepted sins unleash hell and broken harmony, social diseases and mental noise. A creation of minds insane. Sinful virtual life. No virtues to be found in the absence of wisdom and virtues. Paranoia is the game and their prayers are insane. Bleed forever divine creation! Between me and my dying dreams I wither away. My existence slowly fades. I die to hide. Feels like suicide – an absurd feeling that required my death. When will I decide for the last time?

It’s so hard to be strong.

Silence.

Rest is Silence

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Silence has fallen
And my burned out inner self
Has been plunged
Into Complete darkness
And not so long ago
The spark of my stray soul
Used to glow
In Thousands of irrational colors

It was me who was missing

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There is only one chair in front of the window from where I gaze out into a sea of darkness. The room, like a warm painting with a single source of light in the middle, only ever sees my back. A candle from behind creates forms and shapes around me. The day said goodbye to the light. Nyx on my side, I forget about time and let go. My hands are cold like the first day; the first feeling of suffering and serenity. I sit alone and my shadow friend right next to me glides gently. I know well how to sit alone. High up in my tower I stare down, contemplating on suicide for no apparent reason. It just happens. I see myself from behind; vulnerable, haunted and innocent. I feel myself from within; full of grief, hurt and loneliness. Outside I see souls walking up and down the streets in a world of aimless troubles where even violence has gone soft; a different kind of world where insanity dwells, a world in which I can’t even know if I am real, where nothing seems real. Adephagia’s world is crumbling away and no one can see me, feel me. I am alone. Alone in my solitude. I woke up from the longest sleep. My heart never gets dirty. My intentions never get blurred. I can change. I can die and nothing will hurt anymore.

Autumn arrived. The air is fresh, earthly with a scent of chestnuts and mushrooms from the woods behind the park in front of my house. The sky is dark and the orange street lights shine bright. The wind whispers memories long since gone in my ears. Details invade me. When I look up into the sky I feel at peace and the world slowly moves away. The crowd below the horizon rejects and confuses me; living like slaves and hiding their weakness. I imagine that things are not as they seem. Between these two sides is a fine glowing line. I am not a part of this world. I wanted more. I invented new turns, new landscapes the further forward I went. I lost my former life because I could not follow blind norms. I always questioned everything; I always questioned myself until I rose to exist no more and the dream of my life slowly faded away. In the past I created identities to adopt to the crowd. I was neither dead nor alive. Dreadful sounds all around. The same gestures repeated over and over daily. A crowd hiding behind their savior; preachers of freedom kill in the name of God – I find nothing real. Some said I’m psycho. some said I’m just weird. There was always one problem living on a lie in agony: I wasn’t there. It was me who was missing. And the old me just disappeared.

A Distant Fire

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I fear I cannot see myself falling and fading through open cloudy skies. When I meet the ground again, the stones and fields, a distant fire burns. I join the magical game and whisper, because I cannot speak, about old times of past that will never come back. My world is in my dreams. I carry my pain in silence on the grounds of nothingness. Days and nights passing by; time is running out on me. I hear the calling. Drums are beating the rhythm of my burning heart; I fall in trance. I am getting closer to the edge. No need to hesitate. I am running out of time. There is no reason to stay. One last tear will fall. I take one more step and try my wings. I fly high and higher away from the fire. The earth below my feat, I open my mind to the sky where I will never die. The black night fades away and I rise to the holy light, a light that will set me free; a dreamer who catches his own sun. There is something dark inside: love, hate, fear – all emotions are the same. All emotions disappear. Leaving all evil far behind, I feel my past slipping away.

 

Fading Out

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The shadow glides gently. I forget about time and let go. My hand is cold like the first day. The first feeling of tranquility and of suffering. It’s time to sleep and let be carried and to die a bit while sleeping. The shadow slides over my hand which is almost cold now. It is time to die. In a year I will come back, the air will be warm and the weather clear, I will go and dream by the water. Faded out and born again. Only a memory, that’s what I am.

My Lover

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We always wanted to live in truth
But turned away from honesty
We never see the tears we cry
With a blind man’s eye

Now that my love is yours
You are so far away

A Hole under my Feet

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I always said that it’s impossible to live and be aware. That’s how ‘I’ began but ‘I’ needed more. The further ‘I’ went, the more ‘I’ needed to imagine other landscapes, other conquests. I am blind on earth but I know the way. The same gestures repeated over and over daily; I know the tastes, the artificial flavors; I am capable of not breathing. My hands don’t grope. I know the way and invented new turns, other landscapes. The further forward I go, the more I must leave my habits behind. So I imagine that things are not as they seem, that my life is changing, that boredom wears off. A hole under my feet appears that I never felt. I can keep on walking because I want more, always more. Nothing serious can ever happen. If I suffer, I could die and suffer will not last. I had to stop my thoughts at night to sleep even I can sleep, thinking of money even though I can work or do anything I want. I had to feel fear to live. But why should I go further in this erroneous dream? The people are blurry, the sea unchained. I find nothing real. Neither that which is striking, nor that which troubles in this aimless mixture where even violence has gone soft. The hard water no longer rips up the dust and truth hides, hides to die as an arbitrary shape in all the glasses of the world, all the seas. The day is running out of breath, and the night, the tide trash builds up in front of my door. Dead time like the blades of a helicopter going up and down, up and down. I wait day and night; the rising tide in front of my door. My feet never get wet, dirty, neither does my head nor my heart.

A Hostile World

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Stolen hearts and blinded minds
Man stands against man
In a sea of pain, in a sea of despair
We are alone

Grim eyes, neglected knowledge
Hold life’s prison keys
In front of the gate
Our spirits wander through memories

Never here, never now
The sun behind the clouds
Brothers and sisters
When do we shine upon the sky?

We are waiting for someone to make this feeling right
Until the dark begins to die in another day
But when again the dark unfolds
I feel that something is going wrong

Something inside the mind is twisted
Images burned in our brain
Judge each day and each day judges us
We walk inside the shadow of darkness
With nowhere to run
We just keep denying
Erecting out cross
In anticipation
Of liberation

Internal Suicide

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I am but am no more
I closed the chapters
Of my life’s story
I become no more
And no longer live in a world of pain
I ended the apocalypse
Where all is lost
In vain

I burned up from inside
And found the weakness in my soul
No more buried in darkness
I am always there
I will never leave
In thousand dawns to see

Reality will never be enough
In a thousand years
In a million years
Our beloved phantasy
Will never die
Creating new punishments
Falling into the abyss

This is our home
This is our temple
Armageddon every day
All in its way is bound for death

Diabolic dances into dust
-Our eternal punishment-
Souls surrounded with a crust
In this place of sin and blood
Until the hallucinations of the day
Will pass away
I pray