seabluedreaming

Photography, Art, Writing, Poetry

Month: October, 2012

I Endure

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I endure the darkness of winter and the east winds and the snow. I endure being a prisoner of time. I endure getting up for work before dawn. I endure crowded streets and trains. I endure working in a job that I don’t like. I endure being tired every day. I endure processed food. I endure coming home late – tired. I endure pain. I endure time. I endure and endure for all this means nothing to me. The past was yesterday. I see the end and know there is no escape. There is nothing in my heart. There is nothing in my head. I endure. That’s how I live. That’s how I suffer – patiently.
I endure that happiness will not last. I endure that there is no escape from suffering. I endure ignorance and a world that’s stripped of its brilliance – left with little substance. I endure a world ruled by greed and these words of creed. I endure the wolf in sheep’s clothing – preaching and stopping souls from searching. I endure a world of madness that leaves a trail of sadness. There is a war going on in my head; the world has gone mad. I endure mass manipulation. I endure the worship of idols on an endless intrusive filmstrip. There is nothing in my eyes; for all this means nothing to me. I endure illusions bringing confusion. I endure meaningless action for the purpose of distraction. I endure man’s corruption and freedom’s dysfunction. I endure aggression and oppression. I endure equality in uniforms – boxed in. I endure love that never last and a painful past. I endure and endure and that’s how they labeled me insane. How I can love, I do not ask. All dreams I ever had gone burst too fast. I once was blind, but now I see us all dance to the sounds of war like never before.
Empty eyes in the mirror tell me that I can’t allow myself to feel happiness. My hands reached out for no good, I am unable to relieve myself from this position.

It’s so hard to be strong

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We are not living better. We only die slower. Death is on our side while we count the empty hours. We waste away. We always will be foreign to ourselves; shivering before the abyss alone. Sometimes the rain from above the silent sky reaches out and falls within, and the echoes of the past cross the winding paths of doom and whisper of wisdom and virtue. Outside the past, created poverty and accepted sins unleash hell and broken harmony, social diseases and mental noise. A creation of minds insane. Sinful virtual life. No virtues to be found in the absence of wisdom and virtues. Paranoia is the game and their prayers are insane. Bleed forever divine creation! Between me and my dying dreams I wither away. My existence slowly fades. I die to hide. Feels like suicide – an absurd feeling that required my death. When will I decide for the last time?

It’s so hard to be strong.

Silence.

Rest is Silence

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Silence has fallen
And my burned out inner self
Has been plunged
Into Complete darkness
And not so long ago
The spark of my stray soul
Used to glow
In Thousands of irrational colors

It was me who was missing

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There is only one chair in front of the window from where I gaze out into a sea of darkness. The room, like a warm painting with a single source of light in the middle, only ever sees my back. A candle from behind creates forms and shapes around me. The day said goodbye to the light. Nyx on my side, I forget about time and let go. My hands are cold like the first day; the first feeling of suffering and serenity. I sit alone and my shadow friend right next to me glides gently. I know well how to sit alone. High up in my tower I stare down, contemplating on suicide for no apparent reason. It just happens. I see myself from behind; vulnerable, haunted and innocent. I feel myself from within; full of grief, hurt and loneliness. Outside I see souls walking up and down the streets in a world of aimless troubles where even violence has gone soft; a different kind of world where insanity dwells, a world in which I can’t even know if I am real, where nothing seems real. Adephagia’s world is crumbling away and no one can see me, feel me. I am alone. Alone in my solitude. I woke up from the longest sleep. My heart never gets dirty. My intentions never get blurred. I can change. I can die and nothing will hurt anymore.

Autumn arrived. The air is fresh, earthly with a scent of chestnuts and mushrooms from the woods behind the park in front of my house. The sky is dark and the orange street lights shine bright. The wind whispers memories long since gone in my ears. Details invade me. When I look up into the sky I feel at peace and the world slowly moves away. The crowd below the horizon rejects and confuses me; living like slaves and hiding their weakness. I imagine that things are not as they seem. Between these two sides is a fine glowing line. I am not a part of this world. I wanted more. I invented new turns, new landscapes the further forward I went. I lost my former life because I could not follow blind norms. I always questioned everything; I always questioned myself until I rose to exist no more and the dream of my life slowly faded away. In the past I created identities to adopt to the crowd. I was neither dead nor alive. Dreadful sounds all around. The same gestures repeated over and over daily. A crowd hiding behind their savior; preachers of freedom kill in the name of God – I find nothing real. Some said I’m psycho. some said I’m just weird. There was always one problem living on a lie in agony: I wasn’t there. It was me who was missing. And the old me just disappeared.

A Distant Fire

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I fear I cannot see myself falling and fading through open cloudy skies. When I meet the ground again, the stones and fields, a distant fire burns. I join the magical game and whisper, because I cannot speak, about old times of past that will never come back. My world is in my dreams. I carry my pain in silence on the grounds of nothingness. Days and nights passing by; time is running out on me. I hear the calling. Drums are beating the rhythm of my burning heart; I fall in trance. I am getting closer to the edge. No need to hesitate. I am running out of time. There is no reason to stay. One last tear will fall. I take one more step and try my wings. I fly high and higher away from the fire. The earth below my feat, I open my mind to the sky where I will never die. The black night fades away and I rise to the holy light, a light that will set me free; a dreamer who catches his own sun. There is something dark inside: love, hate, fear – all emotions are the same. All emotions disappear. Leaving all evil far behind, I feel my past slipping away.